The Bachelorette Party
by fieldagent85
Summary: Kitty, Sarah, Kevin, Scotty, Rebecca, and Julia are less than thrilled when Nora unwittingly crashes Kitty's bachelorette party.


There had been many men in Nora Walker's life throughout the years, each one vying for love she was often all too liberal with. There had been several throughout junior high and high school, few of which whose names she could remember. There was Stan Harris, her first real love and first real heartache, and of course her husband, whom had occupied her affections for forty years, whose affections she feared she had occupied significantly less. Then there was Dave the Contractor, the inauspicious one-night stand that she said she regretted more than she actually did. Even less auspicious was Mark August, who had played many roles in her life, from teacher to almost lover, before fading out as ordinarily as he had faded in. Then there were the men who had accosted her at parties, including several of her husband's closest friends and the significant other of her own best friend. It had always amazed her how prevelant betrayal had become, how easy infidelity was, in her own life and the lives of others. It was not a life she was eager to return to.

She was quite eager instead to return to Stan Harris, a man who had caused her despair only as he exited her life. He, too, was eager to return to her, as she was beginning to learn the night before her daughter's wedding on her front steps.

"Remember what we agreed on." Nora tried to keep him as bay as she spoke. "We would wait until tomorrow night, after the wedding."

"Yes, yes, I remember," Stan conceded, out of breath. "But you know it's as not as if we haven't done it before."

"It's been over forty years, Stan. I'm not sure I remember."

He raised an eyebrow at her. "I remember."

She smiled coyly. "It'll be that much sweeter tomorrow, I promise."

"Did I mention I inheritated my dad's Cutlass? It's sitting in my garage as we speak…"

"Tomorrow," Nora said firmly.

"Oh, all right. Impatiently I wait."

Shortly thereafter Nora was able to escape and hurried into the house, frazzled. As she closed the door, Sarah came up behind her.

"Hey!"

Nora whipped around, startled.

"Sarah! Oh, Sarah, thank god. You have to help me."

Sarah frowned with concern. "What's the matter?"

"I have to have sex with Stan."

"Oh, poor you," Sarah replied, rolling her eyes.

"No, no, no, Sarah, you don't understand. I haven't had sex in nearly a year. I've never gone that long without sex before!"

"You know we like to pretend you and Dad stopped having sex after Justin was born, right?"

"Yeah, keep dreaming."

Sarah cringed. "Okay."

"Come on, Sarah, I don't know what to do," Nora pleaded, pouting.

Sarah paused, contemplatively. "Hmm, sex. Sex. You know, at this point, I'm honestly not sure I even remember what it is."

Before Nora could protest, Rebecca and Julia walked over, not sure whether or not they truly wanted to be a part of this conversation. Sarah, however, jumped at the chance to include them.

"Here you go. I think these ladies do pretty well for themselves, ask them." She stopped to smile at them sardonically. "Either of you want to give Mom 'the talk'?"

Rebecca and Julia exchanged awkward looks and began mumbling evasively.

"Why don't you ask Kitty?" Sarah suggested, noticing the obvious discomfort of her half-sister and sister-in-law. "She's probably getting more than any of us right now."

Nora began shaking her head fervently. "No, no, I don't want sex advice from a Republican. God knows the kind of foreplay those two are into."

Intrigued by all the commotion in the foyer, Kitty entered, complete with half-empty wine glass.

"Who's getting sex advice from a Republican?"

"Mom, if you give it to her," Sarah answered.

Kitty's eyes widened. "Oh, no, no, no, I don't think so. Mom, I'm happy you've found someone to…do that with, but I refuse to facilitate that act in any way."

"Well, thank god!" Nora scoffed.

"Face it, no one here is going to give you any kind of sex advice," Sarah concluded.

At that moment, Kevin came scurrying in as quickly as he was about to speak. "Oh, please, Mom. You're a woman. All you have to do is take your clothes off and your work's done for you."

"Kevin!" Both Sarah and Kitty exclaimed, horrified.

Nora frowned, a thought suddenly occurring to her. "What are you all doing here anyway?"

"We're throwing Kitty a bachelorette party," Sarah responded matter-of-factly.

"In my house?" Nora questioned, undeniably hurt. "Without me?"

"Well, we didn't know how late you would be out with Stan," Rebecca rationalized.

"Why didn't anyone tell me? I could have rescheduled, I could have been here."

The situation may possibly have been reparable if it hadn't been for Scotty, who came running into the room wearing a party hat and holding several twenty-dollar bills.

"What the hell is going on? You guys are missing the whole…." He stopped short upon noticing Nora. "Show. Hi, Nora!"

"Scotty," Nora acknowledged him, squinting her eyes at her children pointedly.

She began retracing the steps from which Scotty came as those she called her children followed her nervously. Upon entering the living room, Nora, in a rare moment, was rendered speechless. Several of Kitty's girlfriends, including Noreen and Melanie from the campaign, were squealing on the couch, fighting over a lapdance from the male stripper who was gyrating before them.

"Oh, you have got to be _kidding_ me."

Noreen and Melanie turned their heads, causing the stripper himself to reallocate his attention. He smiled his patent, model grin and decided to move on to his next lucky recipient. Approaching Nora, he took her hand and pulled her into the living room, as her children watched in horror. He encouraged her to sit, in the chair across from Melanie and Noreen, and began doing things she hadn't seen a man do standing up since Woodstock.

Sarah leaned over and whispered to Kevin, "It's like watching a car wreck."

"I know," Kevin whispered back. "It's horrifying yet I can't look away."

"You guys," Kitty piped in. "Don't you think we should…do something?"

"You mean like get a camera?" Kevin responded.

Kitty merely glared at him in return. Despite the disapproving look from his sister, Kevin nodded in Sarah's direction, as if transmitting a code of some sort. Sarah nodded back and then scurried off.

"Where is she going?" Kitty questioned.

"To get the camera."

Rebecca shook her head slowly, unable to process while Julia avoided eye contact with all of them.

"All right, I can't watch this, I'm going in," Rebecca said, forging ahead into the living room.

"Godspeed!" Kevin called after her.

When Rebecca reached Nora, her expression and body language had changed entirely. Before Rebecca could stop her, she was reaching into her purse and pulling out ten-dollar bill. Rebecca looked back helplessly at her siblings. Fortunately Kevin came to her rescue, grabbing the bill from his mother's hand.

"No, Mom, come on." Nora looked up at him, irritated. "Give him a _twenty_." 

He reached into her purse himself and pulled out a twenty, politely handing it to the stripper.

"Kevin!" Kitty exclaimed, joining their little crowd in the living room. "Mom, get up, let's go. This is ridiculous."

Nora stood, as if to emphasize her determination but the gesture fell flat as her height was less than intimidating.

"Excuse me, Katherine Ann, but I see no reason why I shouldn't be allowed to enjoy and observe this man's obvious talents."

"Yeah, well, I can," Kitty replied, petulantly. "You're my mother! Now, come on, you're leaving."

"This is _my_ house, remember?"

Sarah returned to the scene, camera in hand, just in time to catch the brewing altercation between her mother and her sister. She leaned over to Scotty, figuring that his summary of events would be far more interesting than Julia's would be.

"What happened?"

"Your mother decided she wanted to…support the arts, Kevin backed her, and Kitty tried to put a stop to it, and now this is occurring," Scotty explained.

"Here, hold this," Sarah said, handing him the camera. "Feel free to take pictures as you see fit. This is sure to one for the wedding album."

With that, she bravely opted to join the usual family chaos.

"Mom, he's a _stripper_," Kitty emphasized. 

"Oh, no, really? And here I thought he really _was _a policeman," Nora said, sarcastically. "God, you are such a Republican, so like your father."

"Yeah, speaking of which, I'm sure Dad would just _love_ this."

"No, no, sweetheart, your father preferred prostitutes of the _female_ variety. You've met Rebecca's mother, haven't you?"

Rebecca frowned, unsure whether she should be offended or just agree. The stripper, however, _was_ offended.

"Hey. Not a prostitute. I consider myself an officer of pleasure."

Nora rolled her eyes. "Right."

"Mom, this is a bachelorette party," Kitty maintained.

"Yes, am I not a bachelorette?"

"I don't know if widows are actually considered bachelorettes, but that's besides the point."

"Relax, Kitty, let Mom have a little fun," Sarah interjected. "After all, she was married to _Dad_ for forty years. How much fun could that have been?"

"Thank you, Sarah," Nora said. "Although, your father did have his moments. He was actually rather…skilled in the bedroom."

"Ew," Kevin blurted out, as Rebecca giggled.

"Mom!" Kitty exclaimed.

"Oh, that's real nice, Mom," Sarah quipped.

"Okay, ladies, this is has been fun, but I've got another engagement," the stripper announced at last.

"It's one in the morning," Kitty noted.

"I've got a long night ahead of me," he replied.

With that, he gathered his things, blew a kiss to his clients, and was gone from their lives, leaving all of them in a slight state of shock.

"Now what?" Kevin asked.

After a beat, Sarah said, "Tequila anyone?"

All hands were quickly raised.


End file.
